1. Take off your shirt and change the radio stations while twisting your nipples as though they are the dials. Wince a little for full effect. Be sure to look at the people next to you.
2. Get out of the vehicle, pop the hood and stare at the engine. After five seconds scream like a woman (if you are a woman scream like a man screaming like a woman) and just keep pointing at your engine. Then run away and dive into the ditch.
3. Hold your horn down. No matter what happens do not remove your hand from the horn. If people get out of their vehicles to confront you, roll down your window and blow an air horn at them. Don’t turn it off and don’t let go of your car’s horn. Have a case of them handy in case it’s a long jam.
4. Ask your GPS for a detour even though you are jammed between cars. No matter what it says, follow that route. Even if it means hitting vehicles, pedestrians or farm animals. Remember you paid good money for that thing. Make sure you set it so that U-turns are allowed. When you run into things just point to your GPS while shrugging your shoulders as if to say it’s not your fault.
5. Always have a couple of super gulp sized cups of apple juice. Keep your windows down and randomly scream “Jeezuz I have to piss!”. Make sure everyone around you hears you. Then duck down for a two minutes and return with the biggest smile on your face. When someone sees you grab your cup and throw it at their car screaming. Then pick up the other one and drink from it. No one will confront you now. Make a gross face after every sip.
6. Get out, open the trunk and get in it. Then close it behind you. Come out dressed like a leprechaun. Start running from car to car asking if anyone’s seen your lucky charms. This should pass some time.
7. Signal left but smash into the car on your right. Blame the car.
8. Jump into the passenger seat of the car next to you, pretend to have a gun pointing through your shirt. Tell them to just drive. When they try to tell you they can’t go nuts and turn their radio up.
9. Have a fake traffic report blaring through your speakers. Make sure that it tells everyone to get off the next exit as the road you are on will be closed for months. Pretend that you believe it by weaving on the shoulders bouncing off car bumpers screaming “thank you lord!” Everyone will follow you. If they do drive off the next bridge laughing at those fools. If they don’t follow exit anyway and go another way.
10. Get out of your car laughing, take a suitcase out of our trunk with some supplies. Weld the doors shut and cover the windows with steel. Take your keys and burn them on the pavement laughing psychotically. Then take out a map, a stick with your clothes hanging off the end and just walk away.
2. Get out of the vehicle, pop the hood and stare at the engine. After five seconds scream like a woman (if you are a woman scream like a man screaming like a woman) and just keep pointing at your engine. Then run away and dive into the ditch.
3. Hold your horn down. No matter what happens do not remove your hand from the horn. If people get out of their vehicles to confront you, roll down your window and blow an air horn at them. Don’t turn it off and don’t let go of your car’s horn. Have a case of them handy in case it’s a long jam.
4. Ask your GPS for a detour even though you are jammed between cars. No matter what it says, follow that route. Even if it means hitting vehicles, pedestrians or farm animals. Remember you paid good money for that thing. Make sure you set it so that U-turns are allowed. When you run into things just point to your GPS while shrugging your shoulders as if to say it’s not your fault.
5. Always have a couple of super gulp sized cups of apple juice. Keep your windows down and randomly scream “Jeezuz I have to piss!”. Make sure everyone around you hears you. Then duck down for a two minutes and return with the biggest smile on your face. When someone sees you grab your cup and throw it at their car screaming. Then pick up the other one and drink from it. No one will confront you now. Make a gross face after every sip.
6. Get out, open the trunk and get in it. Then close it behind you. Come out dressed like a leprechaun. Start running from car to car asking if anyone’s seen your lucky charms. This should pass some time.
7. Signal left but smash into the car on your right. Blame the car.
8. Jump into the passenger seat of the car next to you, pretend to have a gun pointing through your shirt. Tell them to just drive. When they try to tell you they can’t go nuts and turn their radio up.
9. Have a fake traffic report blaring through your speakers. Make sure that it tells everyone to get off the next exit as the road you are on will be closed for months. Pretend that you believe it by weaving on the shoulders bouncing off car bumpers screaming “thank you lord!” Everyone will follow you. If they do drive off the next bridge laughing at those fools. If they don’t follow exit anyway and go another way.
10. Get out of your car laughing, take a suitcase out of our trunk with some supplies. Weld the doors shut and cover the windows with steel. Take your keys and burn them on the pavement laughing psychotically. Then take out a map, a stick with your clothes hanging off the end and just walk away.
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