**SPOILER ALERTS**
Ok so the first Transformers movie was fluffy. It was entertaining but since it was the first time we got to see big huge robots beat the shit out of eachother, we didn't give a rat's ass that its plot was as thin as paper.
Fast forward to the sequel. I wanted to like this movie. I wanted to enjoy it. I heard mixed reviews but still managed to go in with an open mind. However, now that the novelty of the big machines beating the piss out of eachother was over, this movie had a challenge...that is, to have a plot that made you give a fuck about how it ends. Unfortunately there is no plot. Well nothing new anyway. It is basically about how the bad guys want to take over the world (surprise). I would get into more but that is it really. Shards of the cube from the first movie are bringing transformers back to life (yes the same material that killed them in the first) so that they can turn off the sun and take over the planet. I am sure there was supposed to be more to it than that but given how bad this movie was, I don't give a shit.
So the first scene has the US army (this movie really is a 2+ hour commercial for the US army) and some Autobots chasing down a big ass robot and destroying it. This was the best part of the movie. After that it was all downhill. Absolute bull shit. Michael Bay needs to be removed from the movie industry. A pigeon with hemorrhoids could have made a better movie. Seriously. He couldn't decide whether this was an action or a comedy. And because of that, it failed miserably in both categories. The parts that were supposed to be funny were shockingly horrible and the serious parts were painfully hilarious. Every single character was a comedian in this movie. At least they tried to be. But most of the jokes failed.
There were the racist twin stereotype robots, the Species inspired human robot (that wasn't explained at all - if they could transform into humans why would they all not do this?), the senior citizen robot with a fucking cane that farts fire, the humping robot that does Megan Fox like a dog in heat, the Doctor Claw robot in space that everyone was waiting to say "I'll get you next time Gadget...", the robots in space being born like Aliens, the main bad robot (Fallen) that dies from two punches...it goes on and on and on and on and on and on...
Optimus dies because he loses a bitch slap contest against a couple of bad guys that he should have snapped like twigs but later he comes back to life and kills the big bad guy in something like 12 seconds with a couple of jabs. The way he comes back to life is as stupid as the rest of the movie so it is somewhat fitting. There was no climax in this movie, nothing. I was begging for it to end. Michael Bay made a movie that looked like nothing more than random clips spliced together ten minutes before show time. Sure the CGI was terrific but these days you can't survive making a movie all CGI with no story or plot.
I could go on about how horrible this movie is but there is no point anymore, I gave my money to this pitiful excuse for a movie so I lost this battle. For those who disagree with me: What I can't understand is how you can overlook all the dribble and settle for about 25 minutes of CGI action? This movie SUCKED. If you liked this movie than you have a gift because you managed to convince yourself that the 2+ hours of shit never happened. That must mean any movie that has at least one decent scene is a great movie. Maybe if the font used for the credits in the opening scene of Ishtar was cool you would be wearing the Ishtar Rules T-Shirt? Sorry but for me, in order to be defined as a good movie, most of the film needs to be good, not 25 minutes. Nothing personal, after all it is only a movie.
Score: 2/10
THE END
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