**SPOILER ALERTS**
Ok so the first Transformers movie was fluffy. It was entertaining but since it was the first time we got to see big huge robots beat the shit out of eachother, we didn't give a rat's ass that its plot was as thin as paper.
Fast forward to the sequel. I wanted to like this movie. I wanted to enjoy it. I heard mixed reviews but still managed to go in with an open mind. However, now that the novelty of the big machines beating the piss out of eachother was over, this movie had a challenge...that is, to have a plot that made you give a fuck about how it ends. Unfortunately there is no plot. Well nothing new anyway. It is basically about how the bad guys want to take over the world (surprise). I would get into more but that is it really. Shards of the cube from the first movie are bringing transformers back to life (yes the same material that killed them in the first) so that they can turn off the sun and take over the planet. I am sure there was supposed to be more to it than that but given how bad this movie was, I don't give a shit.
So the first scene has the US army (this movie really is a 2+ hour commercial for the US army) and some Autobots chasing down a big ass robot and destroying it. This was the best part of the movie. After that it was all downhill. Absolute bull shit. Michael Bay needs to be removed from the movie industry. A pigeon with hemorrhoids could have made a better movie. Seriously. He couldn't decide whether this was an action or a comedy. And because of that, it failed miserably in both categories. The parts that were supposed to be funny were shockingly horrible and the serious parts were painfully hilarious. Every single character was a comedian in this movie. At least they tried to be. But most of the jokes failed.
There were the racist twin stereotype robots, the Species inspired human robot (that wasn't explained at all - if they could transform into humans why would they all not do this?), the senior citizen robot with a fucking cane that farts fire, the humping robot that does Megan Fox like a dog in heat, the Doctor Claw robot in space that everyone was waiting to say "I'll get you next time Gadget...", the robots in space being born like Aliens, the main bad robot (Fallen) that dies from two punches...it goes on and on and on and on and on and on...
Optimus dies because he loses a bitch slap contest against a couple of bad guys that he should have snapped like twigs but later he comes back to life and kills the big bad guy in something like 12 seconds with a couple of jabs. The way he comes back to life is as stupid as the rest of the movie so it is somewhat fitting. There was no climax in this movie, nothing. I was begging for it to end. Michael Bay made a movie that looked like nothing more than random clips spliced together ten minutes before show time. Sure the CGI was terrific but these days you can't survive making a movie all CGI with no story or plot.
I could go on about how horrible this movie is but there is no point anymore, I gave my money to this pitiful excuse for a movie so I lost this battle. For those who disagree with me: What I can't understand is how you can overlook all the dribble and settle for about 25 minutes of CGI action? This movie SUCKED. If you liked this movie than you have a gift because you managed to convince yourself that the 2+ hours of shit never happened. That must mean any movie that has at least one decent scene is a great movie. Maybe if the font used for the credits in the opening scene of Ishtar was cool you would be wearing the Ishtar Rules T-Shirt? Sorry but for me, in order to be defined as a good movie, most of the film needs to be good, not 25 minutes. Nothing personal, after all it is only a movie.
Score: 2/10
THE END
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Top Ten Things to do in a Traffic Jam.
1. Take off your shirt and change the radio stations while twisting your nipples as though they are the dials. Wince a little for full effect. Be sure to look at the people next to you.
2. Get out of the vehicle, pop the hood and stare at the engine. After five seconds scream like a woman (if you are a woman scream like a man screaming like a woman) and just keep pointing at your engine. Then run away and dive into the ditch.
3. Hold your horn down. No matter what happens do not remove your hand from the horn. If people get out of their vehicles to confront you, roll down your window and blow an air horn at them. Don’t turn it off and don’t let go of your car’s horn. Have a case of them handy in case it’s a long jam.
4. Ask your GPS for a detour even though you are jammed between cars. No matter what it says, follow that route. Even if it means hitting vehicles, pedestrians or farm animals. Remember you paid good money for that thing. Make sure you set it so that U-turns are allowed. When you run into things just point to your GPS while shrugging your shoulders as if to say it’s not your fault.
5. Always have a couple of super gulp sized cups of apple juice. Keep your windows down and randomly scream “Jeezuz I have to piss!”. Make sure everyone around you hears you. Then duck down for a two minutes and return with the biggest smile on your face. When someone sees you grab your cup and throw it at their car screaming. Then pick up the other one and drink from it. No one will confront you now. Make a gross face after every sip.
6. Get out, open the trunk and get in it. Then close it behind you. Come out dressed like a leprechaun. Start running from car to car asking if anyone’s seen your lucky charms. This should pass some time.
7. Signal left but smash into the car on your right. Blame the car.
8. Jump into the passenger seat of the car next to you, pretend to have a gun pointing through your shirt. Tell them to just drive. When they try to tell you they can’t go nuts and turn their radio up.
9. Have a fake traffic report blaring through your speakers. Make sure that it tells everyone to get off the next exit as the road you are on will be closed for months. Pretend that you believe it by weaving on the shoulders bouncing off car bumpers screaming “thank you lord!” Everyone will follow you. If they do drive off the next bridge laughing at those fools. If they don’t follow exit anyway and go another way.
10. Get out of your car laughing, take a suitcase out of our trunk with some supplies. Weld the doors shut and cover the windows with steel. Take your keys and burn them on the pavement laughing psychotically. Then take out a map, a stick with your clothes hanging off the end and just walk away.
2. Get out of the vehicle, pop the hood and stare at the engine. After five seconds scream like a woman (if you are a woman scream like a man screaming like a woman) and just keep pointing at your engine. Then run away and dive into the ditch.
3. Hold your horn down. No matter what happens do not remove your hand from the horn. If people get out of their vehicles to confront you, roll down your window and blow an air horn at them. Don’t turn it off and don’t let go of your car’s horn. Have a case of them handy in case it’s a long jam.
4. Ask your GPS for a detour even though you are jammed between cars. No matter what it says, follow that route. Even if it means hitting vehicles, pedestrians or farm animals. Remember you paid good money for that thing. Make sure you set it so that U-turns are allowed. When you run into things just point to your GPS while shrugging your shoulders as if to say it’s not your fault.
5. Always have a couple of super gulp sized cups of apple juice. Keep your windows down and randomly scream “Jeezuz I have to piss!”. Make sure everyone around you hears you. Then duck down for a two minutes and return with the biggest smile on your face. When someone sees you grab your cup and throw it at their car screaming. Then pick up the other one and drink from it. No one will confront you now. Make a gross face after every sip.
6. Get out, open the trunk and get in it. Then close it behind you. Come out dressed like a leprechaun. Start running from car to car asking if anyone’s seen your lucky charms. This should pass some time.
7. Signal left but smash into the car on your right. Blame the car.
8. Jump into the passenger seat of the car next to you, pretend to have a gun pointing through your shirt. Tell them to just drive. When they try to tell you they can’t go nuts and turn their radio up.
9. Have a fake traffic report blaring through your speakers. Make sure that it tells everyone to get off the next exit as the road you are on will be closed for months. Pretend that you believe it by weaving on the shoulders bouncing off car bumpers screaming “thank you lord!” Everyone will follow you. If they do drive off the next bridge laughing at those fools. If they don’t follow exit anyway and go another way.
10. Get out of your car laughing, take a suitcase out of our trunk with some supplies. Weld the doors shut and cover the windows with steel. Take your keys and burn them on the pavement laughing psychotically. Then take out a map, a stick with your clothes hanging off the end and just walk away.
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