The B.M.D. (Bitter Minivan Driver)

Let me start off by saying this...not all minivan drivers are BMDs. However over the many years on the road I would say it is definitely over 50% and on the rise. So let me explain what a BMD is.

Imagine a 30 year old father of one who owns a "sporty" hatchback. He enjoys his little hatch every day as he commutes 30 minutes one way to his job. The child seat fits (barely) in the back but it is still plenty of room for the family and some luggage for short trips. He loves the feel and quick steering. He loves how the car responds swiftly to giving it a little gas or making a lane change. Sure it's not a Ferrari, but it is still a sports car.

It's a beautiful day as Ted drives his Mazda 3 GT hatchback home from work. He is greeted by his wife Linda and daughter Kathy (who is 3). She gives him a big hug and whispers into his ear "I'm pregnant." Everyone is ecstatic. It is an exciting time in their lives.

Months pass and Ted is out buying another child's seat for his car when he realizes that there is very little room anymore for the family. It certainly won't fit in Linda's Mini...so now what? Well looks like they need to get a bigger vehicle. Problem is, bigger vehicles cost more money and Ted and Linda don't feel like spending $40,000 on a gas guzzling SUV. Ted's car is 5 years old while Linda's is only 2 and still not paid for. Ted's car is the one that they decide to trade up because of financial reasons.

At the car dealership, Ted realizes that all the big cars are too much and don't really address the issue at hand...that is, lack of space for kids and cargo. The salesmen has the perfect solution. He leads them around the corner to show them a demo of a minivan that only has 1,200km on the odometer. "I'll sell you this one for $6,000 off sticker." It's a deal no one can refuse. Getting a $30,000 minivan for $24,000 without even bargaining. Linda is delighted at the deal...Ted is TERRIFIED. Why? Well simply put, when Ted was younger he, as many young men do, promised to never ever drive a minivan.

Now the dealing starts...throw in the floor mats, the DVD entertainment system and navigation. What a steal! They even got $1,200 more than expected for the trade in on the Mazda. The deal is done. They pick up the van on Friday.

Ted has nightmares for the next three nights, tossing and turning in his bed. Visions of vans with hundreds of screaming kids haunt him every time he closes his eyes. He wakes up Friday morning in a pool of sweat. Linda asks him what's wrong. He asks if she wants to drive the van to work. She reminds him that he works closest to the day care centre so that would not make any sense. Damnit, another strike.

Fast forward a year later. Ted is a changed man. A father of two with a third on the way. But it's more than that. Ted is bitter. Very bitter. Every time he gets behind the wheel of his minivan all he can think of is his old sporty hatchback. It's an obsession. Ted weeps as he starts the car Monday morning. But today, things would change...Ted would change. Ted would contract a disease known as BMD.

As Ted drives on the freeway going his usual 10 over the speed limit, he is passed by a Porsche and a Honda. He is reminded again about the good old days of being in the shoes of those drivers. Then suddenly he *SNAPS*. Before he even comprehends what the hell is going on it is too late. Ted is driving 50 km/h over the speed limit. He is driving like an idiot on a suicide mission. Is he late for work? Hell no. Is there a medical emergency? Not yet.

Ted has full blown BMD. He is now a Bitter Minivan Driver. A driver, usually male, between 30 and 50 years old who is down right angry and in denial. He refuses to accept that his minivan is NOT a sports car. No, in fact, his minivan is BETTER than any sports car on the road. It can go fast, weave in and out of traffic without needing to signal, stop on a dime and pass traffic on any road - including the shoulder. Yes, Ted has a disease - a disorder. Ted needs medical attention but he doesn't even know it.

Ted, with or without the kids in the van, proceeds to drive like he owns the roads. Passing everyone even if it means endangering the lives of everyone too. He doesn't care...because he doesn't know. Ted runs red lights because he feels it is unsafe to stop 2000 feet back when the amber kicked in. Ted doesn't signal because he figures everyone can see him (or maybe he just forgot how?). Ted almost takes out a pedestrian at a crosswalk while honking at her because she was in the wrong to be crossing at a cross walk. Ted cuts into traffic without worrying about the car 25 feet away going 80 km/h. Ted is a road raged time bomb. And he is bitter. Very very bitter. He is bitter because he is stuck driving a minivan for the next 10 years of his life. He hates it so much but rather than accept it, he fights it.

Ted honks his horn at others for reasons only known to Ted. His middle finger is hanging out the driver's side window more times then adjusting his climate control. Ted is angry and doesn't know why. He truly has conviced himself that he is driving a $70,000 sports car and he is better and more important than anyone else on the road. There is nothing anyone can do to make him see the light. Ted will cause many car accidents in his 10 years of BMD mode...many he won't even know about. Hopefully none of those involve death.

Ted is one of many BMDs out there on our roads today. They are easy to spot and I urge you to proceed with extreme caution. They are delusional and mentally retarded idiots. But you can't fault them - it's not their fault. They only want to drive, what in their opinion is, a "cool car."

How to spot a BMD vs. a regular minivan driver:

• BMD's van is usually full of dents. This is due to the numerous amount of times they have bumped into objects such as buildings, cars, trucks, buses, trains, airplanes, cruise ships, people, towers and trees.
• BMD spends more time in between lanes than in them.
• You can see the facial hair of a BMD in your rearview mirror because no matter how fast you are going, they will be about 1/4" inch off your bumper looking very angry/anxious.
• They don't know what ramps are used for on the freeway. They use on ramps to pass and off ramps to pass. They have a need to pass - no matter what.
• Speed limits mean nothing, I mean NOTHING.
• They often try to "rice out" their vans with 19" wheels, funky lights and other snap on race parts. This, they believe, makes their "car" a sports car and clouds the minds of others on the roads.
• The turn signal is only used when a police officer is around. Other than that they feel that a lane change is their god given right.
• Rolling stops are the only stops...even at a drive-thru.
• If you are in their blind spot - you deserve to be run off the road. That's THEIR blind spot, not yours!

So if you see this behaviour from a minivan driver, do not, repeat, do not engage. Stay away. The only person that cares for your safety is everyone else but not the BMD. If you are a minivan driver and don't fall under this category, thank you. Thank you for not being a selfish and dangerous prick to all the others on the road. If you are a minivan driver and suffer the symptoms listed above, I strongly suggest you realize you're sick and sell your van or surrender your driver's license before someone is killed.

-mhaven