The B.M.D. (Bitter Minivan Driver)

Let me start off by saying this...not all minivan drivers are BMDs. However over the many years on the road I would say it is definitely over 50% and on the rise. So let me explain what a BMD is.

Imagine a 30 year old father of one who owns a "sporty" hatchback. He enjoys his little hatch every day as he commutes 30 minutes one way to his job. The child seat fits (barely) in the back but it is still plenty of room for the family and some luggage for short trips. He loves the feel and quick steering. He loves how the car responds swiftly to giving it a little gas or making a lane change. Sure it's not a Ferrari, but it is still a sports car.

It's a beautiful day as Ted drives his Mazda 3 GT hatchback home from work. He is greeted by his wife Linda and daughter Kathy (who is 3). She gives him a big hug and whispers into his ear "I'm pregnant." Everyone is ecstatic. It is an exciting time in their lives.

Months pass and Ted is out buying another child's seat for his car when he realizes that there is very little room anymore for the family. It certainly won't fit in Linda's Mini...so now what? Well looks like they need to get a bigger vehicle. Problem is, bigger vehicles cost more money and Ted and Linda don't feel like spending $40,000 on a gas guzzling SUV. Ted's car is 5 years old while Linda's is only 2 and still not paid for. Ted's car is the one that they decide to trade up because of financial reasons.

At the car dealership, Ted realizes that all the big cars are too much and don't really address the issue at hand...that is, lack of space for kids and cargo. The salesmen has the perfect solution. He leads them around the corner to show them a demo of a minivan that only has 1,200km on the odometer. "I'll sell you this one for $6,000 off sticker." It's a deal no one can refuse. Getting a $30,000 minivan for $24,000 without even bargaining. Linda is delighted at the deal...Ted is TERRIFIED. Why? Well simply put, when Ted was younger he, as many young men do, promised to never ever drive a minivan.

Now the dealing starts...throw in the floor mats, the DVD entertainment system and navigation. What a steal! They even got $1,200 more than expected for the trade in on the Mazda. The deal is done. They pick up the van on Friday.

Ted has nightmares for the next three nights, tossing and turning in his bed. Visions of vans with hundreds of screaming kids haunt him every time he closes his eyes. He wakes up Friday morning in a pool of sweat. Linda asks him what's wrong. He asks if she wants to drive the van to work. She reminds him that he works closest to the day care centre so that would not make any sense. Damnit, another strike.

Fast forward a year later. Ted is a changed man. A father of two with a third on the way. But it's more than that. Ted is bitter. Very bitter. Every time he gets behind the wheel of his minivan all he can think of is his old sporty hatchback. It's an obsession. Ted weeps as he starts the car Monday morning. But today, things would change...Ted would change. Ted would contract a disease known as BMD.

As Ted drives on the freeway going his usual 10 over the speed limit, he is passed by a Porsche and a Honda. He is reminded again about the good old days of being in the shoes of those drivers. Then suddenly he *SNAPS*. Before he even comprehends what the hell is going on it is too late. Ted is driving 50 km/h over the speed limit. He is driving like an idiot on a suicide mission. Is he late for work? Hell no. Is there a medical emergency? Not yet.

Ted has full blown BMD. He is now a Bitter Minivan Driver. A driver, usually male, between 30 and 50 years old who is down right angry and in denial. He refuses to accept that his minivan is NOT a sports car. No, in fact, his minivan is BETTER than any sports car on the road. It can go fast, weave in and out of traffic without needing to signal, stop on a dime and pass traffic on any road - including the shoulder. Yes, Ted has a disease - a disorder. Ted needs medical attention but he doesn't even know it.

Ted, with or without the kids in the van, proceeds to drive like he owns the roads. Passing everyone even if it means endangering the lives of everyone too. He doesn't care...because he doesn't know. Ted runs red lights because he feels it is unsafe to stop 2000 feet back when the amber kicked in. Ted doesn't signal because he figures everyone can see him (or maybe he just forgot how?). Ted almost takes out a pedestrian at a crosswalk while honking at her because she was in the wrong to be crossing at a cross walk. Ted cuts into traffic without worrying about the car 25 feet away going 80 km/h. Ted is a road raged time bomb. And he is bitter. Very very bitter. He is bitter because he is stuck driving a minivan for the next 10 years of his life. He hates it so much but rather than accept it, he fights it.

Ted honks his horn at others for reasons only known to Ted. His middle finger is hanging out the driver's side window more times then adjusting his climate control. Ted is angry and doesn't know why. He truly has conviced himself that he is driving a $70,000 sports car and he is better and more important than anyone else on the road. There is nothing anyone can do to make him see the light. Ted will cause many car accidents in his 10 years of BMD mode...many he won't even know about. Hopefully none of those involve death.

Ted is one of many BMDs out there on our roads today. They are easy to spot and I urge you to proceed with extreme caution. They are delusional and mentally retarded idiots. But you can't fault them - it's not their fault. They only want to drive, what in their opinion is, a "cool car."

How to spot a BMD vs. a regular minivan driver:

• BMD's van is usually full of dents. This is due to the numerous amount of times they have bumped into objects such as buildings, cars, trucks, buses, trains, airplanes, cruise ships, people, towers and trees.
• BMD spends more time in between lanes than in them.
• You can see the facial hair of a BMD in your rearview mirror because no matter how fast you are going, they will be about 1/4" inch off your bumper looking very angry/anxious.
• They don't know what ramps are used for on the freeway. They use on ramps to pass and off ramps to pass. They have a need to pass - no matter what.
• Speed limits mean nothing, I mean NOTHING.
• They often try to "rice out" their vans with 19" wheels, funky lights and other snap on race parts. This, they believe, makes their "car" a sports car and clouds the minds of others on the roads.
• The turn signal is only used when a police officer is around. Other than that they feel that a lane change is their god given right.
• Rolling stops are the only stops...even at a drive-thru.
• If you are in their blind spot - you deserve to be run off the road. That's THEIR blind spot, not yours!

So if you see this behaviour from a minivan driver, do not, repeat, do not engage. Stay away. The only person that cares for your safety is everyone else but not the BMD. If you are a minivan driver and don't fall under this category, thank you. Thank you for not being a selfish and dangerous prick to all the others on the road. If you are a minivan driver and suffer the symptoms listed above, I strongly suggest you realize you're sick and sell your van or surrender your driver's license before someone is killed.

-mhaven

Top Ten Things to do during a wedding reception

1. Stand on the table and ask for some service. When staff or members of the wedding party finally approach you, pull your pants down to your ankles. Tell everyone at your table how much you love weddings.
2. During the speeches plug in a radio and crank it loud to "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham! Just get up and start dancing all over like it's the best song you've ever heard. Every time your hear the words "go go" punch someone...anyone.
3. While going through the reception line introduce yourself to every wedding party member as the guy who slept with the wedding member next in line. This is even more effective if you are at the last member already. Wink, crotch thrust and get back in line to do it again.
   
4. During the first dance between the bride and the groom get up and ask if you can cut in. Likely the response will be no. Pull out a dildo pointing it into their faces in a threatening manner then insist that perhaps you did not make yourself clear the first time. Once accepted, ensure to dance with the groom if you are a man or bride if you are a woman.
   
5. Throw a bowling ball towards the head table during dinner. Put up a whiteboard with scores. Taking out the bride is worth 100 points. After you mark your score ask who wants to go next? If everyone stares at your awkwardly take out the lawn darts and say "going once..."
   
6. Start serving the wedding cake well before dinner. Use your hands to cut and serve it on toilet paper. Lick the icing off of people's lips before they have a chance to wipe.
7. Bring a search light and shine it into the bride and groom's face during pictures and speeches. When they get mad put the batman logo over it and point it to the sky. Tell them you are just doing your job as commissioner.
8. After the bride's mom is done her speech get up and give her a box of condoms. Tell the whole audience "I guess we won't be needing these anymore now will we?" and wink to her.
9. Go over to the DJ booth (or if it is a live band go on to the stage) and grab the microphone. Proceed to put the mic as far into your throat as possible thrusting it in and out. Look at the bride after everyone stops and stares in disgust and ask her "remind you of our trip to Disneyland last winter?" You will probably be attacked by people at this point so keep the mic for defense.
10. Walk up to the bride at the head table, point to her face and say "is this seat taken?"
    

Top Ten Things to do while giving an important business presentation.

1. Slip a slide of grandma naked somewhere in your Powerpoint presentation. After the slide comes up apologize for the inconvenience and moan like a tramp while touching your left nipple.
2. Yell 'fire' randomly. Sometimes in between sentences, sometimes in between words. Grab the nearest fire extiguisher and spray it into your mouth and let it foam up nicely. Keep going like nothing has changed.
3. Do a dick shadow puppet rendition of Lord Of The Rings. Ask your boss to play the part of Gollum. If you are female, then show them President Clam and ask if they'll vote for you.
4. In the middle of an important slide, stop talking English. Start making up a new language and get really pissed off if people don't seem to be following along anymore. Show your anger by throwing a random laptop at the window. If it breaks continue like nothing has changed. If not, grab another laptop and repeat.
   
5. Start licking the conference room table. Don't stop until someone actually says something. If no one says a thing, proceed to lick the chairs too.
6. Randomly pretend that someone asks you a question. Say "I'm sorry could you repeat that question?" After about a dozen times, pretend to be agitated by this rude person who won't leave you alone. Show your anger by screaming like a T-Rex.
7. Ensure to always have a large cup of very hot coffee at hand. If someone seems to be fading or not giving you their full attention, pull the lid off the cup and throw the coffee into their face. Explain the importance of caffeine.
8. Turn off the lights and hide.
9. Play a quick video showing a Roman Orgy. Then ask "anyone else gettin' into this?"
10. Take off your shirt and lather yourself up in oil. Do this until you are completely covered. When you are done ensure to fart, light a cigar and say "so do I get my fucking promotion or what?"
    

Top Ten Things to do during a job interview

1. Stand with your back to everyone, keep giggling. When the interviewer asks what is wrong, re-zip your pants.
2. Have your resume tattooed to your chest. Tear your shirt off and start pointing to it when they ask about your previous jobs. If they ask for references, bend over and ask who would like to go first.
3. Whenever they ask you a question about why you want to work for them, ask them if you could demonstrate but first ask them if they have any KY on hand.
4. Bring an air horn. Tell them whenever they ask you a question that you refuse to answer, you will sound it. When they ask you why you would need to do that, sound it. Ask for the next question.
5. Stand up before the interview and sing the national anthem. If they refuse to stand grab a chair and smash it over something screaming "don't you love your country bitch?" This could go either way so be prepared
6. Ask if they care about your criminal record. When they say "what criminal record?" distract them by throwing your shoe at the light. Tell them it's too bright in the room.
7. Pretend to fall asleep during one of the questions. When they call you on it tell them you were just testing them. At this point you will probably be asked to leave. Tell them "fuck no, you leave". Count the seconds until security arrives. If it's more than 60, you wouldn't want the job anyway. Leave and kiss someone's hand on the way out.
8. Neigh like a horse. No matter what they say. I bet you get the job.
9. Pull out your cell phone and ask if you can make a personal call. When you are reminded that you are in the middle of an interview look the person in the eye and say "no shit Sherlock, someone give this jackass a promotion". Then ask again. Chances are you won't get the job but at least you can call your mom to let her know.
10. Ask how the President of the company feels about office chairs covered in urine. When they ask what you mean ask them for the answer to the second question from the interview. Tell them it's a trade off if they want to know.