Dear Government of Ontario

Where's the democracy? I never got to vote!
So let me tell you what the majority say:
"FUCK THE HST!!!"

Album Review - Gary Numan "Jagged"

Gary Numan – "Jagged" 2006 Rating: 2/5

Recommendation: Buy it if you really wished Pure was a double album. Otherwise just listen to Pure again and change the names of the songs as it won't make a difference.

I know it's a little late for this album review seeing as it has been out for a couple of years but I am still scarred by the disappointment of this album. Here is a review I did shortly after it was released that I would like to share:

Well let me start off by saying that Gary Numan is one of my favourite artists and has been since about 1990 when I first discovered him via a friend who picked up one of his used CDs in a local record shop. Since that day, I have accumulated his entire catalog. I must admit that the direction of music that Numan took starting with the album “Sacrifice” is outstanding. Both lyrically and musically, simply put masterpieces. That is, however, until “Jagged” was release in 2006. After many years (six I believe) of production, the highly anticipated follow up to “Pure” was a huge disappointment for me. What has made Numan so unique over the years was the fact that each album, although similar in lyrical style and musical sound, have been significantly different. For some unknown reason Numan decided to break from this tradition with his latest album. What “Jagged” turns out to be is nothing more than an extension of the last album. In fact, it is so similar that you have to do a double take to figure out which one is which. While this sort of musical commitment may work for some, it does nothing for me. As much as a disappointment that this album has been for me, I will continue to await the next one in hopes that it will indeed be “new” material.

But wait, it’s not that bad, really. If you liked “Pure” chances are you will like this album. “In A Dark Place” is an excellent song and “Blind” is also another song that I tend to tune in to whenever I play this album. But honestly, this is as exciting as it gets. Many of the other songs on this album sound the same. In fact, some so much that you actually can’t tell them apart. For instance, the first couple of bars in the choruses of “In A Dark Place”, “Melt” and “Scanner” are virtually identical. And, to add to this confusion, they all start with the lyric “Sometimes.”

All in all, most of “Jagged” fails to stimulate the listener and falls short of expectations. It seemed as though Numan took material that was recorded for the “Pure” album and dusted them off to create this latest album. That’s six long years of mixing?

Keeping my fingers crossed for the next release Gary, please let's have something original!

There is nothing smart about a Smart Car

All I can say is WTF?! Why would anyone in their right mind spend over $20,000 on a golf cart?

I remember a couple of years ago when the craze for the Smart Car took effect here in Canada. I heard a lot about the car and how small it was and how great on gas it would be. Essentially it was very interesting especially for those that live in big cities where space is an issue. Along comes the Smart Car. And with that the pricing of the Smart Car is released. This was when I spit my coffee all over thirteen different people in the elevator. THAT MUST BE A MISPRINT I thought to myself. $20,000.00 for...THAT?

So I jumped online and spit my third sip of coffee all over the computer monitor when I visited the website to confirm that indeed you are over $20,000.00 on road for one of these pieces of shit. Here I was expecting $5,000-$7,500. I mean LOOK AT IT! It's a glorified golf cart.

So everyone is going on and on about how great it is on gas. I agreed - only when the diesel was available. What do the morons at Smart do? Cancel the diesel and keep a PREMIUM only gas engine that they claim gets 5.4L/100km but in real life gets over 6. The same as say, a Honda Civic or Toyota Corolla (5-sp). So tell me this, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND THINKS THE SMART CAR MAKES SENSE? Seriously? Is it because you think you look cool driving one? Newsflash - YOU DON'T. You look like an oversized and awkward fool driving a golf cart on city streets.

Is it because you are environmentally aware? NO because if you were you would buy a car that is better on gas that doesn't drink premium you fool.

Is it because it's small? Well maybe. But why would you spend $3,000-$7,000 MORE on a two seater with next to zero cargo space that goes 0-60 in 13 seconds when you can buy a five seater with cargo space that gets equal or better fuel economy (keep in mind this piece of shit swallows premium) and still have enough gas money to drive it an extra 10 years?

It's just not right. People who buy these things must be thinking something else. I have no idea what that can be? Is it the novelty? Are you starving for attention?

After the initial explosion of these POS's I noticed about 6 months later there were a shitload of these for sale in people's driveways and online. I guess the novelty wore off and they thought "what the hell was I thinking?" I see a lot less now - maybe one or two a week on my usual commute as compared to 15 or so when they first came out.

Seriously, calling this a *Smart* Car is one of the biggest farces in car history. This oxymoron never ceases to make me chuckle because who are we kidding, this is as far from smart as car value gets. You want to save the world and your money...but a Yaris or Fit and take the extra $5,000 and give it to programs for environmental improvements.

There is NOTHING smart about "Smart Cars."

Don't be fooled by the ads or the hype. Save your money and show them what smart really means.

A big flaw with iTunes

The Internet is supposed to be without borders

**UPDATED 9/22/09** (see bottom)

Some of my favourite bands or not from North America. Why? Well I could get into more detail about that but let's just say the "mainstream" music in North America is just mostly drivel directed by record companies with puppets doing as their told.

Some of the best bands and artists out there don't get any airtime on the radio or recognition at all. Along came the Internet to change all that. At least that was the plan. Bands can now broadcast their music online via streaming through such sites as Last.fm and MySpace. This is a great way to hear music out there that is ten times better than the crap on the radio station (yeah I'm talking to you 104.5 CHUM FM).

The downside of the Internet is downloading. I do not condone downloading music unless it is to "try before you buy." However, if you like it, buy it. This is what I have been trying so hard to do for some of my favourite bands but the problem is it's not always a viable option.

Take for example "Northern Lite" http://www.northernlite.de/

This is one of my favourite bands. Their last two albums, "Unisex" and "Super Black" were amazing. So I decide I want to buy them? TOO BAD! You see for some reason (maybe distribution rights or some other BS) they are not available to LEGALLY download via iTunes or other online retailers. Sure I could buy the import CD but why should I spend $60-$80 on a CD that I should be able to buy for $10 online?? I wanted so bad to support the artist but within reason of course. If I spend $60 I know that most of that money is going to bull shit charges that the artist does not see.

So iTunes is my favourite online retailer as it has the most selection. I go to Northern Lite's "library" and only about half their catalog is available? Why? I flip the store to iTunes Germany and BINGO - there I see both "Unisex" and "Super Black" JACKPOT. I add them to my cart and that ends the excitement right there. I message pops up and says I can only buy music from iTunes Canada store. WTF? This is so stupid. SO VERY STUPID. So iTunes tells me it's distribution rights. Ummm, what? It is electronic DATA. It is ridiculous that you say distribution rights with something that is just data. Why can I listen to the entire album streaming online from an online radio station in Germany but when I want to actually support the artists, I am told I can't because of distribution rights? Huh?

Dear record companies of the world - YOU ARE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF WITH THESE STUPID POLICIES! You know why? Well I'll tell you why. After weeks of trying to find an online retailer that will actually sell me the albums (legally) coming up empty handed...I get frustrated and turn to P2P networks for assistance. Yes, I download them from the Internet. Not because I don't want to pay a reasonable price for them, or support the artist. It's simply because if I didn't download them, I would not have been able to get them at all (again for a reasonable price - $60 for a CD is disgusting).

So let's add to the confusion. A couple of weeks ago Northern Lite releases a new single from their forthcoming album "Letters and Signs Part One". Of course I expect I will be stuck downloading it again but wait, iTunes Canada actually has it! What? Why this one? Why not all of them or none of them? Is it a crapshoot? So I figure it's because they are on another label and grin because that means I will be able to obtain all their new stuff. Fast forward to today, the day the actual album comes out. I run to my PC this morning, pull up "Northern Lite" in iTunes and...WHAT THE F#%@?!?! It's NOT there. So I immediately flip to the German store and low and behold there it is staring me in the face. What a let down.

So why the single but not the album on the same god damn label? I give up trying to figure this out. It only makes my head spin. Sorry Northern Lite...if iTunes Canada won't release your new album to Canada, I am resorting back to downloading it. If you give me your mailing address I will gladly send you the money for your last three albums - I am dead serious. Bands like you NEED to be supported. Too bad iTunes won't back you up and even worse that North American radio does not recognize nor care about good music anymore.

Please keep making awesome music. And I will keep mailing you money. But $60 to import one disc is just beyond my budget. Give me a legitimate mailing address and I will send you the money (hell it will be more than what the record company pays).

iTunes needs to drop the borders THIS IS THE INTERNET!

For those lucky enough to buy this in Germany, please visit:
http://tinyurl.com/lwyncm
Or Amazon in Germany:
http://tinyurl.com/msnafd

For those stuck with iTunes Canada...well you know where to go. Just don't forget to mail that cheque. I'll post the address if I can get it.
====================

** Well it seems that although the Epic Fail I call Itunes Canada continues to disappoint I was able to *BUY* the digital download directly from an online music shop in Germany this past weekend. It was 9.99 euros so a little more money but well worth every penny. Awesome album!

The new 2010 Honda Crosstour Review

This is going to be a very easy review. I was excited to hear that Honda was coming out with a crossover to compete with the Toyota Venza. The Venza never really did anything for me so it shouldn't have been tough to impress me with the Honda version. However, I was a little skeptic after they released the hideous Accord a couple of years ago. What a failure design that was.

So Honda unveils the new Crosstour and VOILA! EPIC FAIL.

EPIC

FAIL

HONDA

What an ugly piece of shit. Who designed this? Was it a 4 year old with no arms and eyes? Seriously it looks nothing like the Euro Accord wagon we were expecting. Instead it looks like shit. Plain shit. No it's actually worse than that. Let's take a look at the car bit by bit shall we?

The front: What the hell is that grille doing? It looks like it wants to stick out 5 more feet from the front of the car. It has a little Chrysler Crossfire mixed with Ford Fusion except once mixed, it looks like shit. It looks like a fat sagging chin with a crooked smile. EPIC FAIL.

The side: The least offensive part until you get to the back sides. Look at the slope at the back of this car. You could run a ski jump off this thing! That probably takes away big time from the rear passenger head room. Why waste space in the name of "aesthetics"? The slope is a failure on the designers' part. Is it trying to look like the Infiniti FX? Oh how flattering. The difference is the Infiniti looks good.

The ass:


All I can is WOW. How hard can you fail there? What a designing flaw. What an ugly piece of shit ass end. Could be one of the ugliest ass ends I have ever seen (next to the Challenger of course). Simply wasted space and way too round. It is ugly ugly ugly. HIDEOUS.

EPIC

FAIL.

Sorry Honda, at the pace your designers are going I won't be putting you at the top of my shopping list anytime soon. It's pretty sad when Toyota makes a better looking car. I mean, TOYOTA? Come on.

I can't wait to see how they massacre the new Civic when it comes out. Maybe it will look like a Corolla except uglier? You can count on it.

So pricing hasn't been announced for it yet in Canada but based on Honda's track record, they will want to charge $35,000 CDN base for this $23,000 car. Fully loaded the car will go for $40,000 (real life value will be $29,000). I bet it will be more than the Venza. We will wait and see...

Dear Honda - maybe you should ask your customers their opinions BEFORE you piss away millions in designing what may be the ugliest car you've ever made? Based on early reactions, it appears as though over 80% of your faithful followers HATE the looks of this car. Just Google it and see for yourself...

Rating 2/10 (1 point for the wheels and another because there will be a 4-cyl option)

Car Review - The 2009 Dodge Challenger

2009 P.O.S Dodge Challenger "Car"

The first time I saw one of these on the road I couldn't believe my eyes. I remember saying to myself "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PIECE OF SHIT?" Yes the muscle car comeback is at it again. First the Ford Shitstang, then the Chevrolet Camaro (least offensive but still crap) and then comes along this fucking eye sore horse shit crap fuck ugly excuse for a car. So here we are in a time where gas prices are going through the roof, we are running low on oil (at least that's what the oil companies are saying) and the environment is starting to show real signs of poisoning. So what are the car companies doing? Producing gas guzzling pollution enhancing cars that should have been kept buried in the sand since the early 80s.

I mean WHAT THE FUCK? Not only is the Challenger a butt ugly gas guzzler - but it looks as though they did nothing to even try to make it look like it belonged to this or the last decade. It sticks out like a sore genital on the roads and every time I see one (which is about three times now) my lunch or dinner lifts up to the top of my neck and I have to struggle not to throw up all over it.

Sure the PT Cruiser is ugly, sure the Honda Element looks like a box you wouldn't shit in but this thing takes the cake.

I went to the web site to look at the specs and threw up all over my monitor. I threw up at the EPA.

I bet a lot of people (4 or 5) disagree because they are still living in the 70s and want to relive the nostalgic childhood when gas was 10 cents a gallon and pollution was only understood as farting but I am sorry - if you bought this car you are irresponsible and selfish.

I give it is 0/10.

Here are some other reviews of the car:

Review of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

**SPOILER ALERTS**

Ok so the first Transformers movie was fluffy. It was entertaining but since it was the first time we got to see big huge robots beat the shit out of eachother, we didn't give a rat's ass that its plot was as thin as paper.

Fast forward to the sequel. I wanted to like this movie. I wanted to enjoy it. I heard mixed reviews but still managed to go in with an open mind. However, now that the novelty of the big machines beating the piss out of eachother was over, this movie had a challenge...that is, to have a plot that made you give a fuck about how it ends. Unfortunately there is no plot. Well nothing new anyway. It is basically about how the bad guys want to take over the world (surprise). I would get into more but that is it really. Shards of the cube from the first movie are bringing transformers back to life (yes the same material that killed them in the first) so that they can turn off the sun and take over the planet. I am sure there was supposed to be more to it than that but given how bad this movie was, I don't give a shit.

So the first scene has the US army (this movie really is a 2+ hour commercial for the US army) and some Autobots chasing down a big ass robot and destroying it. This was the best part of the movie. After that it was all downhill. Absolute bull shit. Michael Bay needs to be removed from the movie industry. A pigeon with hemorrhoids could have made a better movie. Seriously. He couldn't decide whether this was an action or a comedy. And because of that, it failed miserably in both categories. The parts that were supposed to be funny were shockingly horrible and the serious parts were painfully hilarious. Every single character was a comedian in this movie. At least they tried to be. But most of the jokes failed.

There were the racist twin stereotype robots, the Species inspired human robot (that wasn't explained at all - if they could transform into humans why would they all not do this?), the senior citizen robot with a fucking cane that farts fire, the humping robot that does Megan Fox like a dog in heat, the Doctor Claw robot in space that everyone was waiting to say "I'll get you next time Gadget...", the robots in space being born like Aliens, the main bad robot (Fallen) that dies from two punches...it goes on and on and on and on and on and on...

Optimus dies because he loses a bitch slap contest against a couple of bad guys that he should have snapped like twigs but later he comes back to life and kills the big bad guy in something like 12 seconds with a couple of jabs. The way he comes back to life is as stupid as the rest of the movie so it is somewhat fitting. There was no climax in this movie, nothing. I was begging for it to end. Michael Bay made a movie that looked like nothing more than random clips spliced together ten minutes before show time. Sure the CGI was terrific but these days you can't survive making a movie all CGI with no story or plot.

I could go on about how horrible this movie is but there is no point anymore, I gave my money to this pitiful excuse for a movie so I lost this battle. For those who disagree with me: What I can't understand is how you can overlook all the dribble and settle for about 25 minutes of CGI action? This movie SUCKED. If you liked this movie than you have a gift because you managed to convince yourself that the 2+ hours of shit never happened. That must mean any movie that has at least one decent scene is a great movie. Maybe if the font used for the credits in the opening scene of Ishtar was cool you would be wearing the Ishtar Rules T-Shirt? Sorry but for me, in order to be defined as a good movie, most of the film needs to be good, not 25 minutes. Nothing personal, after all it is only a movie.

Score: 2/10
THE END

Top Ten Things to do in a Traffic Jam.

1. Take off your shirt and change the radio stations while twisting your nipples as though they are the dials. Wince a little for full effect. Be sure to look at the people next to you.
2. Get out of the vehicle, pop the hood and stare at the engine. After five seconds scream like a woman (if you are a woman scream like a man screaming like a woman) and just keep pointing at your engine. Then run away and dive into the ditch.
3. Hold your horn down. No matter what happens do not remove your hand from the horn. If people get out of their vehicles to confront you, roll down your window and blow an air horn at them. Don’t turn it off and don’t let go of your car’s horn. Have a case of them handy in case it’s a long jam.
4. Ask your GPS for a detour even though you are jammed between cars. No matter what it says, follow that route. Even if it means hitting vehicles, pedestrians or farm animals. Remember you paid good money for that thing. Make sure you set it so that U-turns are allowed. When you run into things just point to your GPS while shrugging your shoulders as if to say it’s not your fault.
5. Always have a couple of super gulp sized cups of apple juice. Keep your windows down and randomly scream “Jeezuz I have to piss!”. Make sure everyone around you hears you. Then duck down for a two minutes and return with the biggest smile on your face. When someone sees you grab your cup and throw it at their car screaming. Then pick up the other one and drink from it. No one will confront you now. Make a gross face after every sip.
6. Get out, open the trunk and get in it. Then close it behind you. Come out dressed like a leprechaun. Start running from car to car asking if anyone’s seen your lucky charms. This should pass some time.
7. Signal left but smash into the car on your right. Blame the car.
8. Jump into the passenger seat of the car next to you, pretend to have a gun pointing through your shirt. Tell them to just drive. When they try to tell you they can’t go nuts and turn their radio up.
9. Have a fake traffic report blaring through your speakers. Make sure that it tells everyone to get off the next exit as the road you are on will be closed for months. Pretend that you believe it by weaving on the shoulders bouncing off car bumpers screaming “thank you lord!” Everyone will follow you. If they do drive off the next bridge laughing at those fools. If they don’t follow exit anyway and go another way.
10. Get out of your car laughing, take a suitcase out of our trunk with some supplies. Weld the doors shut and cover the windows with steel. Take your keys and burn them on the pavement laughing psychotically. Then take out a map, a stick with your clothes hanging off the end and just walk away.

The B.M.D. (Bitter Minivan Driver)

Let me start off by saying this...not all minivan drivers are BMDs. However over the many years on the road I would say it is definitely over 50% and on the rise. So let me explain what a BMD is.

Imagine a 30 year old father of one who owns a "sporty" hatchback. He enjoys his little hatch every day as he commutes 30 minutes one way to his job. The child seat fits (barely) in the back but it is still plenty of room for the family and some luggage for short trips. He loves the feel and quick steering. He loves how the car responds swiftly to giving it a little gas or making a lane change. Sure it's not a Ferrari, but it is still a sports car.

It's a beautiful day as Ted drives his Mazda 3 GT hatchback home from work. He is greeted by his wife Linda and daughter Kathy (who is 3). She gives him a big hug and whispers into his ear "I'm pregnant." Everyone is ecstatic. It is an exciting time in their lives.

Months pass and Ted is out buying another child's seat for his car when he realizes that there is very little room anymore for the family. It certainly won't fit in Linda's Mini...so now what? Well looks like they need to get a bigger vehicle. Problem is, bigger vehicles cost more money and Ted and Linda don't feel like spending $40,000 on a gas guzzling SUV. Ted's car is 5 years old while Linda's is only 2 and still not paid for. Ted's car is the one that they decide to trade up because of financial reasons.

At the car dealership, Ted realizes that all the big cars are too much and don't really address the issue at hand...that is, lack of space for kids and cargo. The salesmen has the perfect solution. He leads them around the corner to show them a demo of a minivan that only has 1,200km on the odometer. "I'll sell you this one for $6,000 off sticker." It's a deal no one can refuse. Getting a $30,000 minivan for $24,000 without even bargaining. Linda is delighted at the deal...Ted is TERRIFIED. Why? Well simply put, when Ted was younger he, as many young men do, promised to never ever drive a minivan.

Now the dealing starts...throw in the floor mats, the DVD entertainment system and navigation. What a steal! They even got $1,200 more than expected for the trade in on the Mazda. The deal is done. They pick up the van on Friday.

Ted has nightmares for the next three nights, tossing and turning in his bed. Visions of vans with hundreds of screaming kids haunt him every time he closes his eyes. He wakes up Friday morning in a pool of sweat. Linda asks him what's wrong. He asks if she wants to drive the van to work. She reminds him that he works closest to the day care centre so that would not make any sense. Damnit, another strike.

Fast forward a year later. Ted is a changed man. A father of two with a third on the way. But it's more than that. Ted is bitter. Very bitter. Every time he gets behind the wheel of his minivan all he can think of is his old sporty hatchback. It's an obsession. Ted weeps as he starts the car Monday morning. But today, things would change...Ted would change. Ted would contract a disease known as BMD.

As Ted drives on the freeway going his usual 10 over the speed limit, he is passed by a Porsche and a Honda. He is reminded again about the good old days of being in the shoes of those drivers. Then suddenly he *SNAPS*. Before he even comprehends what the hell is going on it is too late. Ted is driving 50 km/h over the speed limit. He is driving like an idiot on a suicide mission. Is he late for work? Hell no. Is there a medical emergency? Not yet.

Ted has full blown BMD. He is now a Bitter Minivan Driver. A driver, usually male, between 30 and 50 years old who is down right angry and in denial. He refuses to accept that his minivan is NOT a sports car. No, in fact, his minivan is BETTER than any sports car on the road. It can go fast, weave in and out of traffic without needing to signal, stop on a dime and pass traffic on any road - including the shoulder. Yes, Ted has a disease - a disorder. Ted needs medical attention but he doesn't even know it.

Ted, with or without the kids in the van, proceeds to drive like he owns the roads. Passing everyone even if it means endangering the lives of everyone too. He doesn't care...because he doesn't know. Ted runs red lights because he feels it is unsafe to stop 2000 feet back when the amber kicked in. Ted doesn't signal because he figures everyone can see him (or maybe he just forgot how?). Ted almost takes out a pedestrian at a crosswalk while honking at her because she was in the wrong to be crossing at a cross walk. Ted cuts into traffic without worrying about the car 25 feet away going 80 km/h. Ted is a road raged time bomb. And he is bitter. Very very bitter. He is bitter because he is stuck driving a minivan for the next 10 years of his life. He hates it so much but rather than accept it, he fights it.

Ted honks his horn at others for reasons only known to Ted. His middle finger is hanging out the driver's side window more times then adjusting his climate control. Ted is angry and doesn't know why. He truly has conviced himself that he is driving a $70,000 sports car and he is better and more important than anyone else on the road. There is nothing anyone can do to make him see the light. Ted will cause many car accidents in his 10 years of BMD mode...many he won't even know about. Hopefully none of those involve death.

Ted is one of many BMDs out there on our roads today. They are easy to spot and I urge you to proceed with extreme caution. They are delusional and mentally retarded idiots. But you can't fault them - it's not their fault. They only want to drive, what in their opinion is, a "cool car."

How to spot a BMD vs. a regular minivan driver:

• BMD's van is usually full of dents. This is due to the numerous amount of times they have bumped into objects such as buildings, cars, trucks, buses, trains, airplanes, cruise ships, people, towers and trees.
• BMD spends more time in between lanes than in them.
• You can see the facial hair of a BMD in your rearview mirror because no matter how fast you are going, they will be about 1/4" inch off your bumper looking very angry/anxious.
• They don't know what ramps are used for on the freeway. They use on ramps to pass and off ramps to pass. They have a need to pass - no matter what.
• Speed limits mean nothing, I mean NOTHING.
• They often try to "rice out" their vans with 19" wheels, funky lights and other snap on race parts. This, they believe, makes their "car" a sports car and clouds the minds of others on the roads.
• The turn signal is only used when a police officer is around. Other than that they feel that a lane change is their god given right.
• Rolling stops are the only stops...even at a drive-thru.
• If you are in their blind spot - you deserve to be run off the road. That's THEIR blind spot, not yours!

So if you see this behaviour from a minivan driver, do not, repeat, do not engage. Stay away. The only person that cares for your safety is everyone else but not the BMD. If you are a minivan driver and don't fall under this category, thank you. Thank you for not being a selfish and dangerous prick to all the others on the road. If you are a minivan driver and suffer the symptoms listed above, I strongly suggest you realize you're sick and sell your van or surrender your driver's license before someone is killed.

-mhaven

Top Ten Things to do during a wedding reception

1. Stand on the table and ask for some service. When staff or members of the wedding party finally approach you, pull your pants down to your ankles. Tell everyone at your table how much you love weddings.
2. During the speeches plug in a radio and crank it loud to "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham! Just get up and start dancing all over like it's the best song you've ever heard. Every time your hear the words "go go" punch someone...anyone.
3. While going through the reception line introduce yourself to every wedding party member as the guy who slept with the wedding member next in line. This is even more effective if you are at the last member already. Wink, crotch thrust and get back in line to do it again.
   
4. During the first dance between the bride and the groom get up and ask if you can cut in. Likely the response will be no. Pull out a dildo pointing it into their faces in a threatening manner then insist that perhaps you did not make yourself clear the first time. Once accepted, ensure to dance with the groom if you are a man or bride if you are a woman.
   
5. Throw a bowling ball towards the head table during dinner. Put up a whiteboard with scores. Taking out the bride is worth 100 points. After you mark your score ask who wants to go next? If everyone stares at your awkwardly take out the lawn darts and say "going once..."
   
6. Start serving the wedding cake well before dinner. Use your hands to cut and serve it on toilet paper. Lick the icing off of people's lips before they have a chance to wipe.
7. Bring a search light and shine it into the bride and groom's face during pictures and speeches. When they get mad put the batman logo over it and point it to the sky. Tell them you are just doing your job as commissioner.
8. After the bride's mom is done her speech get up and give her a box of condoms. Tell the whole audience "I guess we won't be needing these anymore now will we?" and wink to her.
9. Go over to the DJ booth (or if it is a live band go on to the stage) and grab the microphone. Proceed to put the mic as far into your throat as possible thrusting it in and out. Look at the bride after everyone stops and stares in disgust and ask her "remind you of our trip to Disneyland last winter?" You will probably be attacked by people at this point so keep the mic for defense.
10. Walk up to the bride at the head table, point to her face and say "is this seat taken?"
    

Top Ten Things to do while giving an important business presentation.

1. Slip a slide of grandma naked somewhere in your Powerpoint presentation. After the slide comes up apologize for the inconvenience and moan like a tramp while touching your left nipple.
2. Yell 'fire' randomly. Sometimes in between sentences, sometimes in between words. Grab the nearest fire extiguisher and spray it into your mouth and let it foam up nicely. Keep going like nothing has changed.
3. Do a dick shadow puppet rendition of Lord Of The Rings. Ask your boss to play the part of Gollum. If you are female, then show them President Clam and ask if they'll vote for you.
4. In the middle of an important slide, stop talking English. Start making up a new language and get really pissed off if people don't seem to be following along anymore. Show your anger by throwing a random laptop at the window. If it breaks continue like nothing has changed. If not, grab another laptop and repeat.
   
5. Start licking the conference room table. Don't stop until someone actually says something. If no one says a thing, proceed to lick the chairs too.
6. Randomly pretend that someone asks you a question. Say "I'm sorry could you repeat that question?" After about a dozen times, pretend to be agitated by this rude person who won't leave you alone. Show your anger by screaming like a T-Rex.
7. Ensure to always have a large cup of very hot coffee at hand. If someone seems to be fading or not giving you their full attention, pull the lid off the cup and throw the coffee into their face. Explain the importance of caffeine.
8. Turn off the lights and hide.
9. Play a quick video showing a Roman Orgy. Then ask "anyone else gettin' into this?"
10. Take off your shirt and lather yourself up in oil. Do this until you are completely covered. When you are done ensure to fart, light a cigar and say "so do I get my fucking promotion or what?"
    

Top Ten Things to do during a job interview

1. Stand with your back to everyone, keep giggling. When the interviewer asks what is wrong, re-zip your pants.
2. Have your resume tattooed to your chest. Tear your shirt off and start pointing to it when they ask about your previous jobs. If they ask for references, bend over and ask who would like to go first.
3. Whenever they ask you a question about why you want to work for them, ask them if you could demonstrate but first ask them if they have any KY on hand.
4. Bring an air horn. Tell them whenever they ask you a question that you refuse to answer, you will sound it. When they ask you why you would need to do that, sound it. Ask for the next question.
5. Stand up before the interview and sing the national anthem. If they refuse to stand grab a chair and smash it over something screaming "don't you love your country bitch?" This could go either way so be prepared
6. Ask if they care about your criminal record. When they say "what criminal record?" distract them by throwing your shoe at the light. Tell them it's too bright in the room.
7. Pretend to fall asleep during one of the questions. When they call you on it tell them you were just testing them. At this point you will probably be asked to leave. Tell them "fuck no, you leave". Count the seconds until security arrives. If it's more than 60, you wouldn't want the job anyway. Leave and kiss someone's hand on the way out.
8. Neigh like a horse. No matter what they say. I bet you get the job.
9. Pull out your cell phone and ask if you can make a personal call. When you are reminded that you are in the middle of an interview look the person in the eye and say "no shit Sherlock, someone give this jackass a promotion". Then ask again. Chances are you won't get the job but at least you can call your mom to let her know.
10. Ask how the President of the company feels about office chairs covered in urine. When they ask what you mean ask them for the answer to the second question from the interview. Tell them it's a trade off if they want to know.